We are sleeping together but not datingyour current guy sounds the same, and no one else can find his peace for him but him, and he won’t find it while he’s using you as an emotional soother that he can drop on the floor if he knows where you are, but go nuts if he’s not sure where you are.?guess what this guy ended marrying a lawyer,and she is a nasty woman,going thru a divorce…i think its sad really when our worth is dictated by what we do for workandif our family is not a tad dysfunctional……. *if* he’s going to change, it will never be while you’re together. i atleast deserved to be treated like a human being and not to be discarded like as if i never even existed. my mom’s friend has tried her hand at dating through a certain christian dating site. said that we also need to teach children how to be aware and stay safe in our society. and it’s not sex that’s the problem; it’s what each individual infers to sex.’m not sure that i’m a model of relationshippy health yet, though, so that might just be me. they mention so little detail (not even irrelevant, innocent detail) that it could very well all be lies (which i don’t believe, but it’s odd anyway). i’ve seen him for what he his and subsequently learnt that i’m not the only one he has done this to. we have been together over four years now and living together for about two years. i’m not even sure if i could ‘let go’ with anyone now. am i not worth of a visit in the hospital? didn’t have to tell them that you were nc with your parents. dating is a breeding ground for emu’s… never again. and, while i did the “decent” thing and got out – they’re still hurt aren’t they? and lets not forget the poor women (or men)who are abused within their marriages..bottom line: they are selfish users and they don’t care who they hurt., after much reflection, in each case, the red flags were definitely there, my gut was screaming in some cases that something was amiss, or it was directly telling me that i was not in a real relationship, …one serious red flag in each case was that i had this gut feeling that even though these men seemed concerned with me…asked the right questions…actions even matched their words in most cases, they really didn’t show any interest in my life, not really…just parts of my life, and even though i gave them snippets of my career or family life, or something like that…the focus was really on them and their problems, and…. my current boyfriend and i were dating for about three months before we 'made it official,' i. i am secure and happy with myself, and i am really really ready to share my life with another person. we’re not robots and emotions aren’t easily controlled or predictable. if anything, nml’s followers (like myself) are finding this blog a useful tool for waking up and smelling the bacon (or porkie pies). keep telling yourself how great he is, and how happy you are, and – when you’re 45 – all this could be yours too. i always have to be really pushed into making it more serious – but that’s just the way i am, it’s nothing personal., i definitely don’t think you are crazy because as you imply, sexually transmitted diseases are not a joke, and why would we not take care of ourselves. was very surprised when the relationship changed because i started to become distant and gave up, even sleeping with another guy i was interested in. shared less and less personal information later, but of course, some of them still remember what happened back then. most of us are pupils of natalie’s teachings by now so here goes:1) he could distance himself whenever he felt like it (that’s running cold so you don’t get any ideas that he’s offering a “real” relationship). that said, you’re acting like a meat lover wondering why you’re not being understood or patted on the back by a room full of vegan’s and vegetarians on a conference about their lifestyle., i get frustrated when you persist: i told you who i am; don’t ignore it, and pretend that you are the exception to my rule, “and things will change! disinterest, ambivalence, and ambiguity are a hook for them – it makes you suddenly interesting. at the end of the day, i think i don’t even need to decide whether my coworkers’ behavior is benign, or whether they are hiding some unhealthy stuff. the main thing that has catapulted my casual sex relationships into committed relationships is shared experience with someone who was truly my friend and with whom i had great sex. sure, a drug addict may steal to get a fix, may say cruel things to their family who loves them, but ultimately, an actual authentic, kind person can change, but often they are changing back into what they have always been, they just got lost on the path for a bit. hedging your bets is the norm one friend (who wishes to remain anonymous lest her non-boyfriend reads this) explains: “i’ve been seeing this guy for four months now – we’re dating and see each other a couple of times a week. and i was the “sick” one according to all of them, even if i, the child, had done nothing wrong. i meet such guys from time to time due to my job, but this one was very eager to arrange lunch with me after we first met, insisting he wanted to meet me personally and not one of my colleagues (not even my boss).’ no, really, glad to hear you’ve learned the lessons and are moving on. you can’t go back, and the other person is off living their life not worrying about you. she was also recently out of a bad relationship and not looking to get caught up in another. do think your right when you say men have 2 types they date,i have been on the end of some man saying i am not career orientated enough because i am a waitress? why would i want to spend time with someone who can’t find a few nice things to say about me for the time we are together? i type these words, more than a few people out there are having sex with someone who they have more than a casual interest in, who is not interested in a relationship or isn’t even that interested in them. so ok i met my eu/ac on an online dating site. care and respect for another human being has nothing to do with sex. posts and all the comments are a wake up call for me. this was after some dating and their future faking, then truth came out. he may be charming as all get-out, but it’s moot if he’s not dealing with…more pressing issues. but i was not in love with him at that point. nothing could have happened, nothing is happening and nothing (worthwhile) will happen because he has got a girlfriend. it can also allow them to be uninhibited because they feel like they can let their real sexual self hang out because they don’t care. should i tell them lies whenever they try to do small talk about my family life and maybe invent a partner and healthy parents?@ magnolia-“getting sober from alcohol and drugs is a cakewalk compared to the sex issue. now that i’m dating someone who so far seems to be a ‘good’ one, reading these posts helps me to keep a clear head and realize i do have a choice in whether i continue to date him or not. someone is having sex with you and they’re not interested or they don’t want to have a relationship, it’s because in their mind it’s a casual relationship. was recently propositioned by a man with a live-in girlfriend to have sex; thankfully, i’ve been in the understudy role before and i’m not taking that part again ~ went nc on him. think it’s very difficult to align two people’s needs/desires/expectations in in a “relationship” when they aren’t both completely in it. to deal with some ugly consequences, and you might think that you can just “end things,” but the consequences that you face may not be resolved, just because you decide to take your ball and go home, and i think that is one of the points natalie, sugar, grace, etc were trying to make. love and blessings to you on your journey, xoxo,Don’t beat yourself up, look at this as a growing experience, stay strong who cares what he or anyone else thinks, you only need to answer to yourself! if you share your body before you’ve established ground rules and are in a “don’t ask-don’t tell” kind of “relationship”-don’t be surprised when you ask to be exclusive and they don’t return the feeling-“hey we were just having fun-lighten up”! you can also be used as a escort service too- one person i was going out to movies and dinners – and it was just not progressing. at the time, i thought that i felt bad about possibly hurting his feelings, but it was really that i cared about how i looked to him. the whole not wanting a relationship but still sleeping with you and even hanging out and appearing to be dating you, this can be a serious mind eff. “i’m having a really good time you know, but let’s not ruin things. think he knows he’s not going to get what he wants from me so he’s off finding easier targets. it took 8 months and heaps of therapy and bans on dating and ripping down online profiles. let him go and grieve the loss of this relationship and the hopes you had for it – if you cling to this fantasy that he might come good, not only will you be another fallback girl waiting around, but it will have devastating consequences for your self-esteem and your life. most infamous of all pxrs, the fwb relationship is rarely ever as uncomplicated as either party pretends it is.
Why You Should Wait To Have Sex - AskMenpositive emotions, nourishing experiences and malevolent actions- they are the kinds of feelings and behaviours that define healthy relationships. you are in survival and protective mode – you’re trying to hold onto your power and dignity because like many people here, you have rejection avoidance issues, albeit tied to some very strong concerns re your disability. bulk of them who claim to ‘fall for me’ barely know me. it’s also a case of why endanger the good time…and why create conflict, so they say nothing. a survey carried out last year by dating website ‘seeking arrangements’ found that most couples tend to say ‘i love you’ after 14 dates – or seven weeks (the average number of dates per week was two). the men we are dating aren’t treating us well, and for many of us, (myself for sure), we aren’t treating ourselves well, and that’s why we stay with men who will use us for sex, as one example. i knew from then onwards that i was in the unknown territory that natalie talks about, when you don’t know if your in a relationship or not. but after i compared my actions with my words, it was a completely different story. men can completely separate sex from any feeling – it’s really nothing more than a fun, sweaty day at the tennis courts. he flatly stated to me that there are only 2 kinds of women: good girls for marrying and bad girls for *ahem*! that i had started to sense that he may not want a proper relationship i had to basically force him to say whether he did or not.’ve always heard the line that there are two types of women, the ones a guy sleeps with and the one a guy marries. – man, i think actually *that* was the same guy i was dating – right down to the “tall” part. they can’t deal with their own emotions and they sure as hell can’t deal with someone else’s , especially when that someone else is not “playing nice”. experience has also taught me that people who claim to ‘change their mind’ and say nothing, weren’t genuinely in the market for something more. how dysfunctional am i to not be aware of the depths that i was capable of lowering myself to?, abuse and everything else does exist – the fact that they either aren’t or haven’t experienced or don’t want to validate your previous experiences, doesn’t invalidate your experiences. started hanging out more and more with my mentor, and we chatted more frequently over the internet – we began to have dinners together, and one night this whole sex thing began. very respected at work, long time in his career, popular, people would run up to him when we’d go out as though he were a celebrity, etc. how did i not know about this blog months ago?, i’ve long heard that as a good dating strategy. when i responded that there are all types of relationships, he shook his head again and reiterated his previous words like i was an idiot. it’s not cute, it’s not cool, and it’s actually disrespectful, but it is all the more reason why you shouldn’t use sexual involvement as a barometer for the relationship you want or what you feel someone’s feelings are. i’ve been dating all my life but for him this is the first real relationship (we’re both 30), and i understand it’s more difficult for him. thanks)… and all the time i was thinking “you are going to ask me how i am, right? or maybe i should just stop doing this all together because i have feelings now and that was not the plan.’m not celibate, but i am sick of assanovas and so when i have a one nighter, not only do i have a dtr to make it clear that its a one night thing but i also go nc with them immediately after. are some other articles on that site that speak to how these shady characters choose their targets, and how you can avoid running afoul of them. there are so many people in the world that might be great for you, more than you can ever even meet. apparently, there is overlap and i don’t fit nicely into either simplistic category., i don’t think that people in positive relationships are looking for relationship advice, unless it’s “what to get my hubby for our anniversary? be fair though, i receive thousands of emails each year from readers who are told all manner of variations of “i don’t want a relationship” or “i’m unavailable” or “i’m not interested/a jackass”…and they ignore it. it makes me sad to think that he has just been going from one woman to another for the entirety of his young adult life and he probably doesn’t even know what truly makes him happy. if a child blames the parents, something must be very wrong with the child. we are exposed to the concept through a variety of media. people who do choose to share are listened to, but in a neutral “oh, that sounds nice” way. had a new suitor recently flipflap from being very enthusiastic, to saying he’s “not sure”. just don’t think there is a standard life rule that says all sexual interaction must have depth and be moving towards a serious committment, and that if the other person doesn’t have the same set of rules then they are users or assclowns. i am struggling with the betrayal, with him having “discarded me” when he said: this is my last text and call to you… (yes he is a coward) but how easily he gets to slip away with it all while not even realizing the harm he has left behind. would like to add, taking my share of responsibility in this matter – that i believed and wanted to believe his words, and allowed myself to go deep very quickly, following his lead like a fish on a hook. guy chased and pursued me hard in the initial stages of our dating, he took me out to eat and drink at nice places, cooked me dinner at his house, pumped me up and generally made me feel special. wonder: are people who desperately hide so many issues, even to coworkers whom they know for 10 years or longer, really healthier and happier than i? but both parties are equally responsible for being that situation. i mean in the ream of things there is just something not right in the way they deal with relationships … be it one or the other. for most people, though, sex and emotion are tied together; that is probably why some men who start out as sex partners develop feelings for you. you’re absolutely right on this – if he has some screwy ambivalent madonna-whore thing going on, doesn’t want a relationship, disappears, treats you like you’re not “good enough” or generally dicks around – don’t have sex with him, don’t continue having sex with him, and don’t bother pressurising him. plus, there's no easy way to corner their roommates and half the time, the roommates of the person you're hooking up with are so bizarre and unlikable, you'd rather avoid speaking to them for pretty much the rest of your time there. listen, jeremy, i just want to know if at some point, you want to get dinner like people who care about each other because it's been five months, which means we have to at least care about each other on some level. eventually we started to realize that we enjoyed each others company for more than just hooking up, and have now been dating for almost three years. you can maintain the same values across the board, but you may have specific work values that are added in when you cross the office threshold. do get crazy for you when you are dating another guy. i thought i’d never find another man who checked so many of my (useless and unimportant) boxes. stand-out all-time epitome moment in this regard was when the eum ‘dropped round’ at four am one night (yea, i know – let’s not forget that *i* let him in). your “perspective” is not unique, plenty of people engag in casual sex. then after a short time he comes crying and telling me he can’t live without me, and i believe him, and we have another go.. trying not to check their social media too much to find out if they're flirting with other girls because you don't care and also you're not together anyway. its about empowering us to build our own lives and own our own decisions and not be victims. this had gone off-n-on (more off than on, those last few years) and even in my most delirious thoughts and fantasies, i knew it was nothing more than great sex. i told him that ‘i was tired of banging my head against a wall that was never coming down, it’s insanity, that i am in a deadend relationship and that he was nothing but poison. actually began seeing each other casually while i was 'seriously' (more so for him than me) dating someone else.” well, pre-exclusive relationships (or pxrs) don’t have to be a frustrating grey area anymore. but if you scratch the surface they’re not all that perfect., they always act as if i’m the only one with issues simply because i’m single and not speaking with my parents anymore. i’m trying to remain classy and not spread harsh rumors about him which could come back to bite me. but if you’re not seeing anyone else, and you’re seeing a lot of each other what on earth is it if it’s not a relationship? she also put up with his cheating, drinking (not alcoholic, but he’d get drunk now and then! sometimes it takes a bit of watching amber flags and some questioning before you can make a definite call that they’re starting to care more, especially if they are denying their attachment. if i’m following you, that would mean that the “only good for one thing” woman is dumb/has no sense of humor/not attractive enough/doesn’t have much going on for herself. refusing to partake in threesomes, sending one text in three weeks, waiting for mms to leave their wives, waiting for him to come back when he’s disappeared is not my idea of pressure.
and if things go well, dating couples move in with each other, on average, after 30 weeks or 60 dates. the crowd:just cos someone is nice to you, chats to you and says they care about you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they actually do. feel that i should add, though – and i was always quite aware when people were using me for sex – that people can also use you as a nice kind listener, who sympathises with their problems, lets them talk about themself incessantly thinks that they’re the bee’s knees, makes them tea and generally soothes them through life a bit. decent person will not continue to have sex with someone they can see is emotionally invested. i tried to submit a follow up comment, but it did not work. some of the most successful and liked people i know from work environments, are very shy and even introverted in a non work setting. don’t have one-night stands anymore as they aren’t satisfying.” it was so hard for me to not respond, but i didn’t. then, men are allowed to do what they will with whichever woman, as long as she goes along with it. i’ve finally realised, 8 months later, that if i hadn’t been so scared to ‘lose’ him, there was very little there that made me happy or that i actually really liked about him! i could believe that in some instances…but not in his. i’ve been on both sides of this – not using men for sex (they wish ha ha!’s quite difficult to meet available men at my age (54) as most of them are divorced or separated with issues of their own and just out for a good time with no strings. and if you read anything on this website, you should be able to understand that the underlying message is that there are good men out there. since you mentioned you grew up strict/religious- you might want to read “narcissistic predicaments- a biblical guide to navigating the schemes, snares and no-win situations unique to abusive families,’ by renee pittelli. i text him and i say…actually i did have something to say and since your not picking up your phone… can you call me. is actually pretty ridiculous that someone who for instance, would have the cheek to tell you that they’re not interested in you, would see fit to exchange bodily fluids and ask you to engage in all sorts of sexual acts, when they could just skip on down the road to someone who they were interested in and leave you to put your time, energy and er, your bodily fluids elsewhere. i googled and found several references to him appearing in public together with his wife very recently… of course (and thanks to br), i flushed my fantasies immediately. i’d say be careful about putting people in one category or another. “sweetheart, of course you’re not my hooker (plaything/fuckme friend/etc)! whenever they start prodding about my personal life, i can simply start asking questions about their kids (“how old are they? knowing that you will bond with people regardless of the quality of the bond, and that it will hurt to end a relationship whether it was healthy or not is freeing. they ever talk about is their “textbook” family lives, their happy, sunny weekends with kids and partner, their happy vacation trips and holidays, and how eager they are to always make their own parents happy.’s some controversy about the difference between “seeing each other” and “dating,” and we won’t be able to please everyone here. they are an eum or ac with or with out you and despite what you might say or do. i could not believe the lies and betrayal that this man was capable of., at the time, i thought to myself, as i looked at his pitiful text that didn’t even ask me how i was doing, and it only contained about four words…, and fearing that, perhaps, some acts of love just aren’t within him or accessible enough to…so, i just decided to walk away without explanation, and he never bothered to ask me why i removed myself from his life. this site, i don’t think any of us are stereotyping men as all inclusively being using, lying, sex fiends. it is only since my time on br that i realized that i could be hit with the relationship-lottery-stick and “not know” it because i didn’t know my own peace. you’re the type of person that values your sexual interactions and struggles with the discovery phase and sleeping together, slow yourself down and don’t have sex until you can manage the two. i can tell you that whatever may be emotionally lacking in these men when it comes to sex, they are aces at looking out for their own time and interests, and that is one thing. purpose of commitment is to share the good times and the bad, we have not evolved out of our need for this. however, i do realise now that most people really are only thinking of themselves, it wasn’t done from malice at all. natalie, you are such a bright light of hope, truth, and reality. to me, it’s not that big a deal to – just not have sex. my friends kept telling me in order to get over one man; you have to get under another. my ac is having a great time, with his promotion came a move to a fabulous part of the country where both the women and climate are hot. it was prostitution but how lovely that everyone carries on the pretense that they’re ‘dating. nat, baggage reclaim has helped so much, i know that i’d have just gone back and ignored my reservations if i didn’t have this blog to read and understand what his aims really are and what it would do to me if i carried on. it’s integrity, care, respect, and not abuse of any basic trust that’s been given. older i get, the more i realise that what our mammas told us was true: most men think about sex one way, and most women think about it another way. the driver must take responsibility and care, but sometimes you aren’t sure when it’s gone from co-driver to passenger. you are going to get exactly more of the same.” so, i create connections with my partners, i am not courting you; i am creating a connection with you, but not a serious commitment, and i see you as a “mate with benefits. random people who i do not know but are friends of friends try to ‘friend me’ on facebook. whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, i’m here to help you guide you. however, according to a male friend, it’s just the way some men are. maybe guys who are eligible and in the public eye (and who are shallow) can get intoxicated by women being after them all the time. so, let me help you out with some suggestions next time you’re asked to define your non-relationship: “well gran, it’s funny you should ask, there is someone on the scene, we’re: sleeping together/seeing each other/dating/friends with benefits/friends (apparently the same as friends with benefits, but twice as infuriating) /having an affair (it’s unfortunate when, after 12 dates you discover that his reticence to define your relationship is down to his previously unmentioned wife) or wasting each other’s time until something better comes along. in an article i wrote earlier this year about modern dating, i used the example of a man i’d been sleeping with for over a year, who got cross when i referred to him as my boyfriend. on, i know some of you ladies here are really hurting right now, but come on, can’t you take some time and help me out? we talked and put two and two together that the jackass had been using and lieing to both of us. to me it feels like masturbation; you get physical relief, but nothing else. they are not close friends and i would not turn to them in a crisis. after a year, i had to stop beating myself up mostly cos there’s nothing left to beat up. i thought this was a fine deal because i was really busy and didn’t feel in a position to look for another relationship – no questions, none of the trying to reason with him and go into big discussions about feelings that had gone before – and still he managed to make a mockery of his new premium deal. happened to me … so confusing to get mixed messages – who says that they don’t want to sleep with you but are just *dying* to have cuddles with you and must have them…. things are always from the ‘driver’ perspective and it is assumed that you’re having a good time and meeting your own needs, hence what can go wrong? (and mind you this isn’t on adult friend finder or fetlife — it’s a plain vanilla dating site). i didn’t win, i feel like i want revenge (not in harming him physically) but turning into him and giving him a taste of his own medicine- see how he likes it. trust me, you will feel better, do not allow this ac to destroy your future! you might spend 60 hours a week in the office – for some people looking like their shit doesn’t stink may be preferable to admitting that things are fucked up at home. the excuses change every day, but the true reason for their behavior, not likely to change.’m abstaining from sex all together, right now, but i found the article quite beneficial to me, and i’m going to read it again, and read all of the linked information as well. (my point being that they will use you for many things– sex being the most common)i also made him out to be something great and in reality he was a disaster in every area and turns out i cant think of one thing i truly admired or even liked about him now… emotionally , spiritually, physically(very under endowed lol) and most certainly mentally! but at the same time i sensed his own insecurity, his reluctance to let go of any female relations (he’s not even 30, but the number of girls he has been with one way or another could probably make a book), and i grew increasingly unhappy.!I have been celibate for …let’s just say a lonnnng time, and i too would not have it any other way. one thing that i have learned about narcisstic people is that they are all users. 30 year-old, shares some handy tips and lays down a few ground rules.
”i’ve finally realised, 8 months later, that if i hadn’t been so scared to ‘lose’ him, there was very little there that made me happy or that i actually really liked about him! it would be another thing if she targetted inexperienced men, or men who are into her, and then strung them along. i am definitely not going to be involved with a guy with mental problems again. knew i’d possible upset the apple cart with my perspective…that’s not unusual. told, i know some of them are divorced, some of them have handicapped children, some of them are unfaithful, some of them have addictions (or family members with addictions), but they never mention anything like this. it’s been a really sucky year and i’m still not over the hump.. carrying your stuff around with you like a sex sherpa because you don't know if you can leave stuff at their place or not. i imagine that some of them just don’t know that they’re unavailable, but there are a lot of them who know good and well that they don’t function well in relationships. we were together 9yrs and are both in our early 50 ies… he just kept saying over and over and over its not you, i am messed up. the key is to know that we aren’t all seeking the same things and what you want is not what someone else wants. less than a month together, we began an 'official' relationship. there are plenty of men who don’t see women that way, and those men conduct their love lives with integrity. we ended up spending a few days together just hanging out and having sex. think the most hurtful for women who are in casual relationship is to be considered/categorized casual by a man, who is nothing but casual for them. the crazy thing is that we weren’t even sleeping together, so don’t just think that it’s sex that binds two people together…i was giving up my time and energy for him (which i now value more than anything), and he didn’t mind taking it until i expressed my desire for some reciprocity. he does that to minimize his own guilt, since he’s already overwhelmed (so he claims) by the pain he caused his wife and the risks that he subjected his children to (they are too young to understand what was going on, but his behavior and the tension in his marriage drove away the family’s nanny). my fantasies are all about how great his personality is – so so fun and adventurous, never a boring moment with this guy. he managed, in our time together, to remember some basic things, like sending me a text, unprompted, on my birthday., you are soooo right, but sometimes you want the comfort of a strong embrace, it makes you feel like you’re not so alone, at least not for the moment you’re with them. there’s going to be a mismatch – if not with this person, the next person., i overshared in the past, particularly before i cut contact with my parents 5 years ago. i just think it is very cold that men will use misrepresentations – i mean, serious declarations of substance in their feelings and intentions for us – to get us into bed and have us for as long as they want us (usually not very long; this was nearly 3 months – which he actually told me was a “long relationship” for him)…. you seem to talk a good talk and seem to care deeply about not hurting others but i can’t see how this is compatible with having casual relationships! the excuse they give us for why they use us for sex is “oh i’m just not in a place where i can commit because my ex screwed me over financially and emotionally” blah blah blah. last person i went out on a date with had all kinds of laments about not being clear in his life. and probably because my life is not full in other ways.’t want to spend my life trying to figure out who you are'. that time when we were dating but not committed, i definitely dated and slept with other people. i don’t think i can change people, don’t set out to yet time and again i am surprised that men don’t change when i expect nothing of them and give them everything. moral of this story is not to go digging around looking for what’s wrong with you. they’re always like “why aren’t you married with kids yet” like a broken record. am not confused about what i need to do now, now that i know the whole truth. he is getting yet another promotion and i’m sure he is seeing this as a great tool to get and use women. you cannot say you are being used if you voluntarily keep going back.!Ambiguous dating sites/hook up sites, sexting and sex applications for your phone, multi-dating and having a bazillion people chasing you for sex are becoming more common to the point where a lot of people think sexting and treating people like booty call is totally the norm. sometimes it’s because they have no money but often they do have money but no-one in their lives who cares to take responsibility. now i’m not absolving them of their own responsibility, but the fact is, the driver in casual relationships will ‘take’ and ‘use’ under dubious pretexts using the reasoning of “i can’t use what they don’t give. but i noticed he never really asked me anything about me, it was always about him, we always met on his terms and his convenience and the night would always end in a shag or two! feel that i should add, though – and i was always quite aware when people were using me for sex – that people can also use you as a nice kind listener, who sympathises with their problems, lets them talk about themself incessantly thinks that they’re the bee’s knees, makes them tea and generally soothes them through life a bit. i continued having sex with my ex-ac even after he showed me so clearly he was using me for sex and was really not interested in a relationship with me. it has been so very good with him, i cannot understand why again he’s telling me he is not happy with me, there is “pressure”, he doesn’t know, cannot know, wants to know but doesn’t… how do i get out?’m not saying that *you’re* an assclown but what you have to recognise in all of this, is that some, in fact many people do give for the wrong reasons. thought if i gave him the hottest dirtiest sex ever he would not be able to resist me and would fall madly in love with me and feel for me what i felt for him.’m not sure i should be penalized because the woman felt the chemistry earlier than i did.’m going to disagree and say that the only really surefire way to not have a relationship is not to have one – casual or otherwise. i can’t stop being angry at myself and wonder how other women are able to handle these casual situations.” trust me when i say, you can have sex with someone and it not mean that you’re destined to be together forever and ever. are any of the men in these comments being penalized? we’ve broken up several times, always because i cannot cope with him telling me he “doesn’t know” and “cannot commit” and “is not ready / capable”. that said, i’m not absolving them of the 100% responsibility to themselves, but lack of self-esteem and unhealthy relationship habits means that they’re vulnerable anyway and will engage in self-destructive behaviour. is possible to be decent even if you aren’t swept away by feelings for another. i wonder if i am up to the challenge of dating a man without sex involved for at least 2 months. it ended last may and i am still not over the hurt… 🙁. i am not judging, it’s just very rare to find a woman with this view and i am curious. i need substance and predictability, not flightiness, bs, and in-the-moment behavior. if he is really sitting there focused on what you said to him instead of focusing on whether or not any of it was actually true, then dude needs some serious lessons in accountability. they really are in the past and just a distant memory, although at the time i thought my world had ended. are fueled by their own needs for validation that they are able to get what wasn’t on offer. i seem not to be wired to date multiple men – but i am open to ideas. “if *i* was getting this much support and care from someone i’d feel bad about sneaking my way into their knickers” etc etc. if they felt they wanted more then they should have pulled away from me, not try to wrangle something from me that i don’t want to partake in. last eum made plans with me 6 months in advance, rang me all the time while i rarely rang him (the rules are nonsense), spent loads of time with me and included me in his life and so i trusted that he wanted a relationship.“stop lying to yourself – no person with great self-esteem puts up with this bs, certainly not for two years. appreciate hearing a woman lay out her experience of wanting and seeking ‘casual’ interactions and think i understand her suggesting that they’re not devoid of care or respect.’s easy to get down on yourself on how hard it is to truly see that the ex- (or ac or eum or mm or some combination thereof) is not truly present for you. i’m not on the dating circuit but the next guy that plays the tall, dark handsome, alpha male, charming mysterious card is going to get bounced, flushed, and a resounding thump up side his arrogant head. but i’ve done it myself, it’s like you can get so focused on getting to the destination that you don’t stop yourself to think of whether or not it’s even worth it to go. what you read of it, this behaviour looks very controlling and not simply a case of following instincts, i. i just don’t get it, why doesn’t he find another girlfriend?